Sandwiches and the Nature of the Exsistence

Today I'm going to tell you the truth. The universe was created by a sandwich. Well, first there was this nothingness, some people say it was black space, some people say it was white void, and some people say it was the color you get when you mix black ink and hand sanitizer. Then suddenly, there was a sandwich. It looked similar to a ham sandwich on white bread, but, it was actually a TURKEY sandwich on sourdough. After about a day and a half of floating, it burst into flames. And then exploded.

This is about the time scientist say the big bang happens. It was indeed a big bang. A big bang of oven-roasted turkey, sourdough bread, and mayonnaise. The bread bits became asteroids, the turkey became stars, and the mayonnaise became planets. They diversified into all the elements you know of today. They formed EVERYTHING. Of course, this was a very big and very, very dense sandwich.

But what about life you ask? Well, life came from a sandwich too. A considerably smaller sandwich then the one that was the big bang, but nonetheless, a very, very big sandwich. This is all the CONSEQUENCE of an orangutan getting bored in some library of alternate realities. This, of course, was without CONSULTATION of the other orangutans. But he was bored. Anyways, back to the sandwich, this sandwich fell to what we call earth, and started to mold. Life, as we know it, started from a moldy sandwich.

Now, we eat sandwiches, but in the eyes of our orangutan creator, this is quite humorous. Otherwise, he would have smote us already. In his eyes, we are quite silly creatures. He sees all this fighting we do as a side effect of him not putting enough mayonnaise in the sandwich. Little does he know that we are fighting about him, or the absence of him.